The story of my Pandora’s Box

Let me explain what this is about. In Greek Mythology, Pandora was the first woman on Earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus to create her. So he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many gifts: Athena clothed her, Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo gave her musical ability, and Hermes gave her speech.

According to Hesiod, when Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Prometheus’ brother Epimetheus. Pandora opens a jar containing death and many other evils which were released into the world. She hastened to close the container, but the whole contents had escaped except for one thing that lay at the bottom – Elpis (usually translated “hope”, though it could also mean “expectation”).

Last night, I had someone poking around in my head, and found my Pandora’s Box. I told her that it’s not wise to open that box. There is a reason it’s locked and in a corner. Like a locked door, it should remain locked, unopened, and left alone. But apparently, this person couldn’t leave well enough alone. I opened it up and let all the ugly things that have happened in my life out and it’s going to take some time to get them rounded up, sedated and put back in the box for good this time. Never to be opened, again, ever. I had a hard time sleeping last night with the little nasty things, bad memories, and ugly creatures running around in my head and dreams.

When some people have a Pandora’s Box (or jar, as Mythology states) and it remains open all the time, they most likely, will become psychopaths, mentally ill due to the inability to handle the thoughts or dreams, or end up ending their lives because they cannot handle the pain, the terror and the never ending cycle of bullshit that’s in their life.

Why is it that there are Gladys Kravits’ out there that need to be so nosy, snooping around in places where they don’t belong; asking questions that don’t need to be asked, flashing light in areas that should remain dark. We all have some kind of box that has ugly things in it, things best left alone, and undisturbed. But yet, there are some folks that feel that it’s their right, their mission in life, and god given right (for lack of a better word) to poke around in someone’s head, not knowing what’s in that box, behind that door, or in that huge dark jar! There is a personal reason we all have the box closed. It’s embarrassing, frightening, and causes night terrors in adults.

So, when people who have control issues, and they push and push and push to see inside the box/door/inside the jar, and they don’t like what they see or hear, they automatically judge the person, run far from us and then refuse to talk to us or want to be with us, leaving us feeling less of who we are, dirty and unloveable, and nonetheless, bring out all the bad memories that will take quite a while to put back into that box and seal it. There was a monster in my head that always threatened to escape the cell I put it in and destroy me. I finally built a wall in front of that cell door, sound insulated it, and plastered, painted it and hung a great looking painting on that wall. It has been years since I have heard that monster behind the wall in my head. Last night, I thought I heard it screaming, again. I thought it would have been dead by now, but it survives, somehow.

Look, basically, we’ve all done things that we aren’t proud of or would brag about. Truly. We’d rather hide them away and leave them in the past, since there is no way that we can change our past. Frankly, if we could,, this world would be a completely different place. If we could change the past, the world we live in would look completely different, in my opinion. Maybe JFK would have lived. Maybe Hitler would have succeeded, who knows. That’s why we CANNOT change our past. We can only change who we are and we we will become. I am not the same person I was years, ago. I have paid my dues, and tried to do things to make others smile. Pandora’s Box should never be messed with. EVER! If we tell you, friends, lovers, mates, anyone that means anything to us, that the box is not to be messed with, BELIEVE IT! LEAVE IT ALONE! There are personal, confidential and mental reasons that we don’t let anyone near it. Trust us! We are who we are, and if that’s not good enough, then by all means, don’t stick around. If you can’t live with the truth if you want that box open……don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. By all means!!!
In the end, Pandora was sad that she had opened the box, but Zeus tempted her. The last thing that flew out of the box was a bug….HOPE. I keep that hope alive thinking that I’ll find someone who accepts me for who I am, not all the bad things that happened in my life.

 

 

 

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Oh, yea….be my friend and I might give it to you!

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Back to the Bombshelter, once again.

Howdy! Once again, I return to discuss world politics, economics and awww, hell, you know that’s not going to happen. BOOOOORING! Can’t change what is going on in the world, so we can talk about other things….

Let’s see. Since my last post, the world has gone to crap, people are still fighting and the threats just change names and nations. Same shit, different day, same old song and dance. Ya know?? The entitlement mentality is running rampant and our country is now circling the drain. I am not shocked. People have been slowly thinking that the state should take care of them, which in cases, is close to socialism/communism. The old joke was: Capitalism isn’t working, Socialism is working. We have more and more people on welfare, living on government subsidies and getting free “Obama phones”, food stamps and money. So sad. When I was growing up, having to use food stamps was embarrassing. I admit that my family had to use them during the big Boeing shut down. That was scary enough, but now, people use them like a badge of honor. Where and when did this happen? It needs to be reversed and more people need to figure out how to bring this nation away from the drain and become what we once were, a proud and strong nation. Being a veteran, I saw despair and the depth of human sorrow off the coast of Cuba. That son of a bitch Castro did some nasty and sickening things to his people to get them to leave so that more rich people would prosper. SMH. So, so sad. I still have those images burned into my brain and I can still see the faces and the people that we picked up and helped during the Mariana’s Exodus. Like many of the service people coming back from war, those things that we saw never really goes away.

Another point is that I am now on my 4th (yea, I know, number 4? No one feels worse than I do…) divorce. How sad is that? But, ya know what? I am much happier now that she is gone. I don’t walk on egg shells, I don’t have to watch every word that I say or be careful about how I say something. I can be free with what I do, who I talk to and when I want to do something. I have pulled myself off the ground, dusted myself off, and started again. I have almost a whole new apt of things that I either bought, got for free off of Craigslist or gotten from friends. I feel really good about that. I have new tv and sound bar that beats anything she had!!! I should have listened to my heart when it told me several times to not marry this freak show. It’s true! She has a history of mental illness, paranoia, domestic violence (!) and suicidal tendencies. The last part of that I witnessed personally. I walked into the bedroom one day and found her with a gun in her mouth. I turned around, walked out of the room and figured, well, if you’re going to do it, just pull the trigger and I will clean up the mess when you’re done. I am NOT going to stop you. I figured, at that point, I was pretty much done with the insanity that was our sham of a marriage. I was told not long ago that people are put in our lives for either a reason or a season and we don’t know which it is until it happens. There is a reason for people to be in our lives, but I heard Madea say that when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! I should have believed it the first time. I didn’t think I had any place to go but if one is resourceful enough, you DO have a place to go. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but you can get through it. When you write out a time line of your life and look at where you are, where you’ve been and where you are going, that point of being uncomfortable is just a very short period, unless you don’t have the mentality or the balls to change your situation. I am changing that one day at a time and yes, it’s uncomfortable being alone, but the alternative isn’t worth the insanity. I have come a long way since I was living with my family. I don’t take disrespect from my kids anymore. Respect starts at my front door. I have a BIG sign on the wall as you walk in the front door that says, BE NICE OR LEAVE. THANK YOU.  Believe it! I am not joking. Be nice or get the hell out! I will not tolerate meanness anymore. Life is too short. I will dance in the rain, in the aisle of a store or anywhere the mood strikes. I don’t care who’s watching. Maybe it will give someone else the inspiration to do the same. The other day, I was short 5 dollars to pay a bill and a fellow veteran offered me $10 to cover the money I was short. I was feeling a bit embarrassed and he said, “Just pay it forward.” Done. I will ALWAYS pay it forward, always have, always will. I love making people smile and if I can pay it forward, then it makes it worth it. I was at a store once and this lady in front of me was having problems with her debit card and she was so frustrated that I asked the clerk what the bill was. He told me and while the lady was trying to get her card to work (Which obviously didn’t work because she didn’t have any money to cover her purchase), I just handed him the money and he told her to stop and that I had paid. She didn’t say thank you. She grabbed her groceries and damn near ran out of the store! I tried to follow her to say YOU’RE WELCOME, but there was a tiny voice in my head that told me to let her go and that she was having more problems than I even considered. Ok, but I felt good. No need for thanks. I’ve done that. Paid for a dinner that a bunch of teens that were out for prom were having. I told the waitress to tell them that it was paid for and they could save their money. I remembered those days and it made me think that if they would talk about the kindness of strangers, they would do something for someone else, either sooner or later. That’s all one has to do….just show an act of kindness and let their conscience be their guide. HOWEVER! There are jackasses that will take advantage of things like this and WE, as a people, need to weed them out and let them know that their behavior will not be tolerated. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As I have stated in prior postings, Dr Laura has shown what true forgiveness is and even though she was publicly trashed by some jackalope, she rose above it and became a better person. I hope to follow in her footsteps and become a better man, hopefully for that next (and hopefully, last) woman that comes along that I want to spend the rest of my life with….I will end with this. I heard a man speak on Youtube that had this to say:  If you are not willing to risk, then you cannot grow,  if you are not willing to grow,you cannot become your best,  if you cannot become your best,you canot be happy, If you cannot be happy… then what else is there?

Later on,Fellow babies!

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Views from Bombshelter, again!

So, here it is, another month into 2014 and nothing has changed. The world is still spinning, people are still getting laid, and the status of things are still F’ ed up. BUT! We have the same damn guy in the Oval Office. Thanks, Ohio..how’s that working out for you????

Before I go any further, I want to say that I started this column last year and never finished it. Yea, I know, I procrastinate, who doesn’t? I have to say that a lot has changed since last year.

I moved back to Washington State and out of Phoenix, had one relationship end and had another begin. I think that’s where I want to start.

My last marriage (no 3 for those who lost count!) didn’t last more than 14 months. ( I did the math after finding my decree and counted the months) Have you ever had one of those feelings that when things start moving down the tracks, and you get the feeling that it’s moving too fast, momentum is just too much to get it to stop? That’s how I felt at my last wedding and I use that word loosely. It was more of a fast moving train, to get to the last stop before it’s too late. So much was done and put together  and it didn’t quite feel like it was right. The reception was not quite right…her mother told everyone what a loser I was..during the reception. Then I found out that the new MIL was talking smack about me during the engagement party that I had carefully planned out, put together and ended so badly.

During the 14 months, I came to realize that one thing was certain….this was not how I wanted to live my life. Always being stressed, left at home for weeks and not really feeling married until the weekends, but that was short lived as well. Come Sunday, I was taking her to the airport once again for another week. I was told that it wasn’t going to always be this bad. I guess there are degrees to “be this bad”. In the end, when I decided to move to Washington State, I was told that I would be going alone. Why didn’t that surprise me? I guess I knew all along that I was a convenience. I was there to look after the dog, do laundry, and take care of the household things when she was out of town. I worked, and albeit, it was part time, but it ended up being full time when all was said and done. So, yea, I was her convenient houseboy.

I look back on that whole situation and think about what I missed: the landmarks, the signs, the bumps in the road to know that it was all wrong. I had been in an apartment for two years and I was comfortable, knowing some of my neighbors and being able to sit and talk to them without worries.

Then came the house. We “needed” to get out of the apartment that I had been living in since it wasn’t exactly her taste in living arrangements. In translation, that means we weren’t living in a house like the rest of her family. I was low class in an apartment. So, we found a house that she liked and I thought it was cute but a tad expensive. It was over $300 more a month and no worries, we could afford it. I was always concerned that if one of us got sick, hurt or wasn’t able to work, all that rent would fall on one person. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, she said. Guess what? It did. It’s one of life’s biggest surprise when Murphy comes to roost. She got sick on one of her out of town trips and to this day, she is still not working. So, my biggest concern came true and in the pit of my stomach, I knew it was going to come to fruition. Somehow, I have always had this ability to see into the near future…don’t ask how, I just have had that in me. I knew that it would happen when she was out of town.

So, I followed my heart and left Phoenix. Frankly, I hated the desert. More than life itself. My life was a train wreck while I was there. I went to Phoenix to “Help” my dad. Yea, that became SUPPORT the old man while he tried to be a player. I laughed at his feeble attempt to date women. He had no clue as to what a gentleman was supposed to be like. I just sat and watched as he crashed and burned every time he tried dating. I didn’t say anything, just shook my head, and walked away thinking what’s it like to keep running into the same brick wall.

When I finally came to Washington, I had been talking to Karen. She lived in Keizer, Oregon. We both had the same basic background. Three failed marriages, two not lasting very long and one that lasted longer than it was fun.

Since Labor Day,we have been together day in and day out, seven days a week. Being new to the area, working together at the same job and not knowing anyone else, we tried really hard to not get on each other’s nerves.  Better than I had it in Phoenix, when I lived with my dad in Sun City, a retirement community. When I was in Phoenix, I didn’t know a soul and where everyone acted like Dracula. They didn’t ever come out of their houses after the sun went down and it cooled off, but just long enough to get the mail, check the street for god knows what and then disappear inside not to be seen till the next night. I always wondered how many of those people slept in a coffin, to A) save burial expenses and B) they were really vampires. I know, an overactive imagination…but, hey, it could happen….it could…..ok, maybe not. Stop poking the dead animal….(shaking my head…)

So, where was I? Oh, right. Now that I am in Vancouver, I love the cold weather, the clouds and more importantly, the SEASONS!! We have more than one!! YAYYYYYY!!! Phoenix has 2. Cold and freakin’ hot!! I mean so hot you burn your hands on the car door when you try to open it!! Holy hell!!! Who wants to live in a convection oven?

Sorry, I digress…back to our story.

As the holidays came around, I felt a bit lost. A bit? Karen says, a BUTTLOAD!!! Yea, ok, I was a miserable son of a bitch. Happy now,Skippy? I was transitioning…I think that’s a good term. From one place to another, Christmas coming, no job, kind of a bleak outlook, not sure what was next and then….Karen and I had a loooooooong talk. I had to take a good look at what I had going for me. A woman who loves me without question or hesitation, a place to live, back in the Pacific Northwest, and closer to my son. That was the bottom line: I no longer was a convenience, but with someone who wanted me around, and loves me.

We decided to get married this coming February, and start planning on a life that is filled with joy, excitement, travel, and the usual day to day events that we both have wanted for so long.  

What is this whole thing about? I have no idea…just one rant after another. There was a saying, “A bitching sailor is a happy Sailor.” Or something like that.  I’d like to think it’s a story of one man’s journey into the desert and back again….with a whole lot of soul searching in between. When I am on my death bed, I want to be able to say, “WOW, THAT was quite a life, huh? Adventure, torture, love, excitement, and a test of faith. I hope I passed the exam!”
Don’t’ we all want to be able to say that in the end? What an adventure! Not Hey, I made it to 85, 87, whatever age you are when you are on your deathbed. But where’s the excitement? Where’s the adventure?

I was able to stay longer than most others and I am so lucky. All the things I was able to see, experience, feel and those I loved and still love.

Ole Uncle Dave is looking at the future and honestly, it looks pretty good from this vantage point. The friends I have acquired along the way, the excitement I experienced, the places I saw, the music I sang or heard, and most of all, the people that crossed my path. After watching “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, I know that when you get to where ever one goes when they pass over, I have always wondered if you get to meet those five or more people that made a difference in your life, that taught you what you knew or how you touched others’ lives. I think about that from time to time. Who would I like to meet, again, or who would I have to face? If you did wrong in your life, you’d better be prepared to make amends for those things…I hope God has Dragons. That would be cool. I could finally ride one and be able to know one of these great beasts! Well, fellow babies, that’s all for now…signing off…till next time…Happy Trails!

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Revenge, Vengeance and Small Stuff.

dreamofdragons

Well,  after posting the last thoughts I had from my former relationship, I have read a great book that has changed my way of thinking.  Even though I thought that the author was/is a two faced fake, I have to take that opinion back.
Dr Laura Schlessinger has a book out that I found at the library and read it from cover to cover. There is a lot of what she said in the book, “How To Survive A Shark Attack (On Land)” that hit home with me.

Vengeance/revenge against someone that ratted you out, or betrayed you is not always the best thing to consider. I guess that after my last post, I was living for some kind of revenge because I thought that being betrayed and left, had to be the answer to how I felt. The book was just sitting on the shelf and the more I…

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Howling Mad Murdoch

Howling Mad Murdoch

The A-Team’s Main man

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